Looking at what’s broken: a message from a Malted Milk.

While setting up before a recent workshop, I was arranging the biscuits on a tray. I opened a fresh pack of Malted Milks, and took pleasure at how they were neatly and evenly bundled within the packet. As I lay them on the tray, I noticed that one was broken.  Without a thought I picked up a broken half, and my hand was already half way towards my mouth before I noticed what was happening and stopped.

What was I doing? And why?

I wasn’t hungry, and I don’t particularly like biscuits.  In fact, I tend to avoid them. And yet I was about to eat one, but not any one - only the broken one. Since I wasn’t eating it out of need or for pleasure, there had to be some other motivation at work.

The irony was not lost on me: here I was about to facilitate a workshop which would demand looking at the messy, the painful, the parts that we often keep hidden, and to do so without judgment; and yet in my set up I was engaged in very different behaviour.

Unconsciously I was creating the appearance of perfection, applying my energy to eliminating anything out of place, as though the imperfect would be an unwelcome presence of less value.

I replaced the broken biscuit and laughed out loud at how part of me was playing tricks without me even realising. Looking at the tray for a while, I close my eyes and reset myself with a quiet meditation:

“I accept all of me, just as I am.  I accept everyone who comes today, just as they are.  If it’s available, I will support those who come to find a place for what’s missing, to look without judgment on the truth of what is, to see a way towards a solution.  I will respect what unfolds, and what chooses to stay hidden.” In this way I could be of service.

The stance of an advisor, facilitator or coach is a particular one because it involves being on behalf of another, not oneself. But in our private lives and within our personal relationships, different considerations apply. 

In our private lives, looking away from what’s troubling, or stepping in with intention of making things our certain kind of right, are entirely natural responses to situations which engage deep emotions.  Both have their place. 

Sometimes we need to look away for a while, because we are not ready to see.  Other times we need to step in and assert our position, because that is our role. Every family member or parent knows this.  Time is important too. However the present moment feels, we never know whether looking away or stepping in will in time perpetuate the problem, or facilitate a resolution.  And if challenges continue, we can seek the support of someone who can take a different stance that can help us see what we cannot see alone.

With experience we learn that solution tends to lie in the problem and our growth is found there too.

Last week I was visiting my mother.  Born during WWII, she has a natural facility for seeing the value of everything.  As we sat down for a cup of tea she picked up a broken biscuit from the tin and smiled.

“I remember when you were a little boy.  I used to get boxes of broken biscuits from the baker’s for next to nothing.  You loved them, they were just as good.  And the nice thing was, sometimes they’d add in one or two whole ones for free.”